I'll be getting my hands dirty.

Yeesh my last post was that long ago?

Goody goody. I get to play with some assholes.

It's been a while since I've updated this one. It feels right though to do so considering this one has all the nicknames I feel like right now. My warrior instincts are coming back. My little encounter with a physical vampire on a feeding frenzy did me good in that sense. My vampireness is still gone though I continue researching what creates them and how to get the ones that want to change back to normal or just plain be without the need for thier blood lust. Though I must admit research is a hell of a lot harder without being one and feeling the results myself now. Now it's more along the lines of psy-simulations. I may not be highly telepathic or have much talen in other psychic senses, but my simulations are usually accurate in possibilities of what might happen if such and such were done. I don't want to use friends for research just because if anything goes wrong it means I've seriously fucked them up. Every once in a while I'll feel the blood lust, but it's more of an addiction for me now that I can ditch no problem and if I don't, then it makes me go the equivalent of a berserker.

I'm remembering myself now. I forgot myself for a while during my adaptation phase and rebirth phase, but it seems I'm back to myself. I found what I've been craving most: an enemy. Will she act the part or will she be like every other enemy I've had and be all hot air? She's more Xan's enemy of course, but if she continues her behavior, then she'll easily be my enemy as well. As always, I give them a chance to walk away and yank thier heads out of thier asses on thier own. As always, I'm purely defense to avoid ending up with allegations on my ass. I guess this is why I view myself as smarter than Xan. I don't do murder threats until someone trespasses on my property or makes a move against myself or a loved one that constitutes extreme modes of self defense. I'm a very patient and tolerant person when it comes to idiocy. I always give people a chance to do the right thing. Do they always do the right thing? No, but then again, they will always figure out thier stupidity with my methods. I couldn't use it with Eric Estrada because Xan pretty much took him on as a project of hell. Question is, what to do with Allison? Give her reason to turn her life around and be a non threat, or play with her a bit and ruin her life? Unfortunately, Xan and I both need some sort of hostile contention against us or we turn against ourselves and those close to us. So on one end do something morally wrong but is still an outlet without breaking any laws, or on the other hand give the little bitch a chance to change and see if she takes it and risk yet another one being too stupid to realize they are being given another chance. Unfortunately I don't have much luck with giving people second chances lately, especially from that crowd. Jeanna I should never have given another chance. She risked my job downloading pornography on the work computer, which was the sole reason another guy got fired before I was working here. Then she tried to ris Xan and I's and Xan and Ron's relationship by saying a whole bunch of crap while Ron was watching and I am just flat out sick of that shit. Cindy has used up all her chances with Freddy and the moment she says anything to anyone in our group any one of us is going to chew her out to tears. Allison and Shane have decided to be stubborn in thier little game since they chose to be anal retentive toward Xan and I, and apparently anybody else. Long story short I think Xan's excessive flirting is going to get him in trouble with a psycho bitch (not me) if he keeps it up. Fortunately I always know where he's at now so when the bitch tries to fabricate a story, she's already busted. I can ask the people he's hanging out with and be able to get him on the phone so I know he's not bullshitting.

I'll play with her a bit until she gets bored. Nothing major, just enough to make her want to throw in the towel. Dawn, if you are reading this, do not involve yourself again. Same goes for you, Jeremy. It's not like she can do anything to either of you anyway. I'm going to enjoy letting out some held back sadisticness to this bag of hot air.

Give me an enemy I can hate
Give me an enemy I have no reason to hold back
I want to let my demon out to play
Without love getting in the way
I can't afford to hesitate when the hunters show themselves
I want to be myself
But without an enemy I hold no love for
I can't let my demon out
I won't let it out unless I hate
I'm out of balance and have too much love
I'm realizing I've lost my edge and want it back
The only way to do so is a nice rumble in which business is meant
Xan's a negatory because I love him
I've had to fight him before when he's not himself
And quite frankly I always hold back
I love him too much to go all out
And I always get out of it without injury
So even he isn't going all out because there's a part of him that will always hold back
We'll never see what each other are capable of first hand
I need evil around to destroy to give my destructive energies an outlet
Just as I need good around me to keep me from being the monster I despise

Give me a challenge that I'll figure out eventually
I'm bored and my energies are breaking thier barriers again

Give me a reason to let the barriers fall
Lest the waterfall break the dam
I'm fixing to burst

I want the psy headaches to stop
These visions are driving me nuts
I want my memories back of how to control it
I'm sick of running from myself and what I'm here to do
With great power comes great responsibility
Time to accept my power
Accept the responsibility it entails
Accept myself for all that I am

I am me
My spirit is half angel and half demon
I chose my shell to be born in
I came here to learn and to teach what I already know
I came to learn how to go from sheltered to efficient
I came to learn what it's like to be with very little
I came to learn about criminals and if they have any good to them
I came here to help bring this world to it's final exam of this life sequence
I came to learn balance
I came to learn what I'm capable of
I came to learn as much as I can about everything
I am of the spiritual royal bloodline
When I'm ready I will build my own universe and try my hand at being a goddess
For a while I had that thought but didn't care to lead
I viewed it as something I was required to do eventually
Now I realize just how much I've shirked off and how mediocre I am right now
Royalty is not meant to be mediocre
I want to be great and greatness takes effort
I want to know everything
I want to be able to understand whatever I will create in the future
Some of these lessons I've learned already
I still have some things left to do

The universe protects me because I still have things to do
I laugh when my life is threatened because I know this
I'm going to be around for the end of the world
They are just jealous because I have something they don't

I am going to be me again. I will create an enemy if I have to. I will have what I lost. I am strong enough to handle it now.

I heard something a few days ago. It was a voice that said, "I'm back." It was like Xan's other self that comes out sometimes, but not the same energy. It was likewise similar to Azrael/Eric Hart's spirit voice, only more evil and deeper than I remember. Xan's never been able to spirit talk to me though. Azrael on the other hand... All we had to do was think about doing something or saying something to each other and we just knew. If Azrael is truely back, is he back as an enemy, or back to help, or back for help? If it's not Azrael, who is it? I'll ask Jen to check on it for me and see if she can find anything. If it's nothing I'll just chaulk it up to either too much chocolate, or someone having thier television on too loud while watching a horror movie and turning the volume down real fast. Seriously though, I do not want him back in my life at this point. Last thing I need is him coming back for ANY reason at all. If someone is going to play dead with me, as far as I'm concerned they are dead to me already and dead men don't walk, and I will treat them as such.

I think I know what sort of feminine energy I've missed. I'm a bit of a sexist and somewhat of a feminist. All men are jackasses, stupid in relationships or lack intelligence or common sense, they'll always think with the head between thier legs whether in conjunction with or instead of the head on thier shoulders. All of them will look at other women whether attached or not. A majority of guys are scared shitless of commitment and no matter how much they love someone will turn tail if they get close to it. Almost all guys will cheat at least once in every relationship. All guys will deny being sick until they can't move or can't fulfill a bodily function properly. Every guy is potentially abusive if they bottle up thier anger. (That's actually another reason I piss Xan off a lot. It's my way of forcing him to expell his anger verbally instead of physically so instead of issues having time to fester, communication is forced.) All guys have trouble with communication and you will have to manipulate them to make conversation when living together because by then the guy thinks he knows everything already and there's nothing new to learn. (This has been edited to include all guys versus my initial "some guys" due to recent experience with such.) These do not just apply to humans, but animals as well. This is why I have such a problem with our new kitten: he annoys the hell out of me, he annoys Jupiter, he annoys Stryfe, he's knocked over the parakeets several times over, and most of all: he's drawn blood fom Jupiter and she won't do anything because we told her day one she couldn't beat the shit out of him. He's one cat I have no problem spanking or giving ass swirlies, or just soaking in the tub. If anyone wants a cat, please say so and take him, but only if you have no other pets. He's cute and cuddly by himself, but he really is for a one-pet-household.

Anyway, time to update my other journal.

I'm on my period and moody. Don't mess with me.

Meh... **sighs** Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here. I hate working here, the people in Houston mostly suck, and there are a lot of times where I just feel useless. It's like Xan seems to expect me to know some things and I hate it when I can't meet those expectations. At the same time, I know there's little that can be done immediately. It takes a while for me to actually learn something and maintain it. Every other time goes by intuition and if my intuition doesn't know what it's doing either, then I feel like even more of an idiot.

It doesn't help I've been getting headaches a lot... Every time I start seeing things that feel real but aren't really happening I get a big migraine. However, if it's psychic related, even the real thing would give me that sort of headache. That's what makes it so hard to tell sometimes. It's like really wierd premonitions, except they feel real. It kinda freaks me out though because every once in a while I'll get one of Xan having a heartshock in his sleep or asking for help talking in his sleep. That's why when Xander actually had a heartshock in his sleep, I hesitated. I was scared that it was another "hallucination." Same thing with every other time things go wrong lately and he needs help. Ironically my reactions are fast during the wierd as hell so called hallucinations and wierd as hell premonitions, but once the real deal happens I've been chewed out so much that I don't act simply because part of me doesn't believe it's happening.

What sucks lately though is my depth perception and my stress levels have kinda shot beyond the amount my body will handle very well. So essentially, I need a day or week off in order to pull myself together. I've gotten clutzy, slow moving, dizzy off and on, and flat out irritable. My vision sucks in the fact I can't tell how far away things are sometimes so I bump in to things that I think are further or miss the things I think are closer. The stress also makes me get uncomfortable so every once a while I get flat out tongue tied and can't get my words out properly or seem to raise my voice to higher than a whisper without seeming like I'm shouting. Sales is definitely not working for me. Xan liked answering phones, he liked being a salesman. It's the stress I hate so much. It's exhausting.

Anyway, I'll probably head off before it gets dark. Hopefully Xan will call back soon so I know if I'm leaving before he gets off and taking the bus and shopping or if I'm waiting on him. After work plans if he's not coming include getting shampoo, power steering fluid, conditioner, paper towels, some hematite trinkets, and a couple more gem stone necklaces.

As for those who knew I was stressed about rent yesterday, it's taken care of. Got rent paid by money order. I found a bank within walking distance of my job, so now I can have my checks cashed as soon as I get off work. No more checks sitting for two weeks until Xan can get time off to take me to a bank. Yay. That means no more late fees on rent or being under the gun horribly to get it done.

Anyway, gonna head off. Love ya'll and bye for now.

Well hell... As if my body couldn't get more fucked. For those who don't know, when I'm stressed I tend to pig out on things like chips or things full of sugar like ice cream and the like. Well, now for the fun news: those things now give me hallucinations and make me sleep walk, which doesn't bode well since I also talk in my sleep. Xan puts up with it but I still need a diet change. It's been getting worse so unfortunately Jen has had reason to be worried about me. Just last night I sleep walked to the door and said something I shouldn't have so, yeah, time for me to find a way to fix that diet so I don't do that anymore. I got chewed out this morning by Xan because I've been urging him to quit smoking and said I'd stop eating sugary and fatty foods when he stopped smoking. In his point of view, his smoking is not dangerous to him or anybody else, versus mine that is dangerous with the wrong hallucinations or sleep walking and getting in to things I shouldn't. O.o Needless to say I've had a crappy morning. It didn't help that I tried steaming his shirt and instead of steaming it got soaked. It kinda sucks. When I think I've watched enough to know what I'm doing and want to be nice, it turns out I still fuck up, and I can tell it bugs him.

Work kinda sucks lately. I get sick so much with the stress and such that I just want to get the fuck out of here. Give me a library where I can just zone out and nobody will give a shit and I'll be fine. At least there I'm not required to remember a lot since my memory is so faulty due to hallucinations and nor am I supposed to deal with the whole crap of not knowing every other employee's business. In libraries, people have thier own duties and that's it. If they don't do them, one person takes the fall and it's obviously thier fault for not doing it. Here, everyone gets asked about everyone's job and there's a problem when someone else doesn't know all the situations everybody else is handling. For example, nobody knows about the COD incident details aside from Xan. Nobody knows what materials Nik used for packaging and what he was giving her aside from Nik himself. Nobody pays attention to Mailbox Manager aside from me. Nobody but Jitesh knows off the top of his head where customer packages are for each customer. Nobody but Antonio is half assed good with communication of situations because he expects us to be asked when he's unavailable. I like libraries because there's always someone there that knows about such and such from questions people ask, and always one around who can look it up without picking up a phone and going, "what went on with such and such?" That's ultimately one of the things I hate about this job. Nobody knows jack shit and everyone needs to know all of it. We are understaffed and can't communicate for shit. Now if we had everyone here at all hours of the day we'd be fine, but we can't have everyone here all day every day. We'd have no time for anything else. Nik could fire me at this point and I'd probably thank him. O.o

If I seem a bit grumpy, I am. :p

Um letsee in good news, Xan's gotten a new job. $10 per hour with full benefits. He's excited since he's moving up very rapidly. It's been good for him since he's no longer running on Nik standard time. Granted he doesn't feel like he's earning his pay due to how little they actually give him to do, but he enjoys it anyway.

He ordered a ommlette flipper a little over a week ago. If it doesn't show by tomorrow then we can get our shipping back.

I noticed an infomercial on a set of knives Xan would like a whole bunch. I figure he's been under a lot of stress lately it might be a good stress releiver to get him something good...

I'm done. Gotta go. Bye for now.